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18 August 2015

Paleotards Are Doing It Wrong, Part Trois

As I stated in the previous entry, there is some confusion as to what "type" of paleo one should choose.  That's unsurprising, given that scientists seem to be even more divided on the topic than are the authors who tout the various types.  Thus, I feel fairly confident chiming in on the topic in spite of the fact that I don't consider myself necessarily an advocate of a paleolithic diet, though it's due in large part to the fact that paleotards are as intolerable as evangelical Christians and twice as misinformed.  The fact that they're misinformed is not entirely their fault, however, due to the disparity in information coming from paleo authors, archaeologists, and scientists, however, and I would posit that the disagreements in the field arise out of two fundamental issues:

1) Geographical diversity.  Even in Europe, for instance, there's avast difference in the native flora and fauna of, say, England, Spain, and Germany.  Each area, however, contained both Neanderthals and Cro-Magnon man, and both of those hominids shared similar diets.  Their diets would, however, have to have differed necessarily based on the food available to them at the time.  Thus, depending on the specimen studied, differing opinions about what is "paleo" might arise.  Some of them might have eaten more carbohydrate than others, and in Europe the "high carbohydrate specimens might have eaten grasses, berries, and turnips... but you know what none of them ate?  FUCKING SWEET POTATOES OR YAMS.  They're indigenous to South America, and you know what a wild yam looks like?  Take a gander.

I have never seen the likes of that in a supermarket.

Given that everyone who I have ever met who claimed to eat paleo was white, the last fucking thing on Earth they should be eating, save for a banana, is a yam or a sweet potato.  It's far more likely that Cro-Magnon man and paleolithic European humans supplemented their diets with grasses, a couple of root vegetables like turnips and parsnips, and berries, which were at that time tiny, bitter, and about as impossible to duplicate in the modern world as the Valley Temple of Khafre.  Paleolithic man has existed in every corner of the world, so it would make much more sense to eat the "foods of your people" and wild vegetation as much as possible if you'd like to eat paleo.  Modern berries contain far too much sugar, bananas are basically just badly flavored sticks of sugar, and oranges were hard, inedible fruits in the paleolithic (Texas).  I encourage everyone out there to research their ancestral diets, as there seems to be something to eating the way your people did for millennia. One non-profit, Oldways, has won awards for the work they've done to this end- they assert that if you eat foods in line with your genetic heritage, you'll be healthier, stronger, and less prone to chronic or degenerative disease.  If you check out their site, you'll note Northern Europeans and Russians are conspicuously absent from the list, but they detail Mediterranean, Latin American, African, Asian, and Vegetarian Diets and Pyramids.  

In spite of my nitpicking, I think the concept is definitely cool.

Frankly, lumping Asia into one group is fairly preposterous, as it spans everything from India to Korea and then back down to Southeast Asia, and they all eat markedly different things.  As I've already covered, the Indians would be remiss to skip meat eating if they were to eat an ancestral diet, as Indians at meat right up until the modern era, and Koreans would balk at eating a Chinese diet, so that's fairly silly.  Oceania is also skipped, but I suppose the diversity of the diets ranging from New Zealand to the Aboriginal diet would be hard to cover in a single pyramid.  As for Northern Europeans, it might behoove you to consult this list, which comes from the Capitulary of Charlemagne de villis vel curtis imperii, a cookbook written in 800 AD, and details the vegetables under cultivation at that time.  Note that potatoes, tomatoes, and beans are conspicuously absent from the list because they arrived from elsewhere later in history (Bulit).
  • Eggplant
  • Cabbage
  • Artichokes
  • Eggplants
  • Carrots
  • Gourds
  • Melon
  • Parsnip
  • Swiss chard
  • Spinach
  • Leeks
  • Peas
  • Turnips
  • Cucumber
  • Chickpeas
  • Celery
  • Leeks
  • Peas
  • Lettuce
  • Garlic
  • Onions
  • Shallots
As for fruit, unless you're picking wild strawberries, you're pretty much limited to red currants, super tart apples (the closest thing you can get to an old school apple, pears, raspberries, black currents, and damsons, which are plum-like fruits with an apparently astringent taste.  As you can see, choices on a truly paleo diet are fairly limited.

2) Scientists all have an agenda.  It's why they choose given fields- they spend their entire careers trying to prove a given hypothesis.  Some scientists want to go with the omnivorous theory, some want to prove that we have to eat carbs to be healthy, while still others want to portray humans as pure carnivores.  To say that they're carnivorous opportunists just seems to be out of their reach, and since one of them seem to understand that no two geographic groups ate the same and thus there is no one golden paleo, they're just busy confusing the fuck out of everyone.

And while we're at it- arrowroot is not strict paleo.  That shit has been in cultivation for 7,000 years in the Americas, and it requires extensive processing to obtain.  That's not paleo.  According to Mark Sisson, it's primal, but in terms of the strict definition of paleo, it's not.  If you're going for your ancestral diet, it's especially not paleo unless you're from the Caribbean.  Nevertheless, Robb Wolff posted a quote from Andrew Badenoch, “Paleo is a logical framework applied to modern humans, not a historical reenactment.”  As such, you should probably limit your arrowroot consumption, rather than include it in everything as I've seen some paleo chefs do.  In the event that you have a hankering for some biscuits, however, ol' Robb has you covered- check out his recipe for biscuits and gravy here (though I'd throw some actual sausage in there for extra protein).

But, what about the news saying that cavemen ate carbs?

If you've been following the news, you might have noticed that the media has picked up on a study from the University College London that states that the paleo diet did, in fact, include carbohydrates.  This, of course, comes as a shock to no one, because no author of whom I'm aware have ever advocated a completely ketogenic diet as "paleo"  In fact, every paleo author of whom I'm aware advocates carbohydrate consumption in one form or another, using various sources like the ones I've listed above.  It seems obvious that early man would have been more concerned with filling his belly than maintaining his six-pack, and would be eating anything and everything that would help him stab various megafauna to death while banging some hot cave chick.

Similarly, you might have read a piece of trash so pants-shittingly insane it might as well have been co-written by Gary Busey and Nick Nolte on entitled "Scientists confirm the paleo diet is nonsense."  In it, the author who clearly lacks a fact checker suggests that we all eat potatoes (which were considered unfit for human consumption in Europe until around the 17th century) because "cavemen and cavewoman ancestors loved—and needed—carbs as much as we do, even if they gathered them instead of cultivated them" based on the fact that "Examination of 3-million-year-old teeth and the plant-life in the regions where our ancestors lived also signal that they were eating tubers and other starchy vegetables" (Shanker).  The problem?  Modern humans are only about 200,000 old.  The hominid teeth being studied from 3 million years ago were australopithecines, which look like this:

Dunno about you, but none of my ancestors look like chimps.

From the above, you should be able to ascertain two things- one, my point about scientists having an agenda has been borne out, because that scientist blatantly lied about his findings.  Australopithecines aren't even in our genus- saying we should eat like them is similar to saying whales should eat like deer, because they both descended from a common ancestor.  Mischievous, and deceitful.  Chicanerous and deplorable.  Two, the author from the Quartz doesn't know her ass from a hole in the floor.  Oh, and that bit I mentioned about potatoes in Europe?
"Throughout Europe, potatoes were regarded with suspicion, distaste and fear. Generally considered to be unfit for human consumption, they were used only as animal fodder and sustenance for the starving. In northern Europe, potatoes were primarily grown in botanical gardens as an exotic novelty. Even peasants refused to eat from a plant that produced ugly, misshapen tubers and that had come from a heathen civilization. Some felt that the potato plant's resemblance to plants in the nightshade family hinted that it was the creation of witches or devils" (Chapman).
So, we're still working toward which paleo diet is right for you, which I will hit up in the next segment of this series.  Till then, eat a steak with some parsley on it- that should do you for veggies.

Bulit, Jean-Marc.  Vegetables in Medieval Europe.  Web.  16 Aug 2015.

Chapman, Jeff.  The impact of the potato.  History Magazine.  Web.  16 Aug 2015.

Knapton, Sarah.  Paleo diet should include carbohydrates to be authentic, say scientists.  Telegraph.  15 Aug 2015. Web.  16 Aug 2015.

Shanker, Deena.  Scientists confirm that the Paleo diet is nonsense.  Quartz.  13 Aug 2015.  Web.  16 Aug 2015.

Texas oranges history.  TexaSweet.  Web.  16 Aug 2015.

13 August 2015

Baddest Motherfuckers Ever- "Judo" Gene LeBell

Now that is a fucking metal face.

Growing up, I had two martial arts heroes- Stephen Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme.  Sadly, Van Damme, all 155 lbs of coke-fueled, stripper groping, splits-doing idiot of him, got beating like a housewife in a trailer home by Hell's Angel-turned-bouncer Chuck Zito, and around the same time, Seagal was literally forced to piss his pants by a 58 year old man- the incomparable, unbeatable, innovative, and crueler than Vlad the Impaler, "Judo" Gene LeBell.  According to the stories, Gene was working on the set of Out for Justice when Seagal started mouthing off like he was a frat boy in an 18 and over bar, claiming that due to his aikido training, he was immune to chokes.  LeBell, who was aware of Seagal's shitty reputation ("he would hurt actors and stunt performers, dislocated shoulders, kick guys in the nuts to see if they were wearing cups, etc") proceeded to immediately choke out Seagal and manipulate acupuncture points so that Seagal shit and pissed himself (Mancini,  Not bad for a who's 58 year old in a pink gi... not bad at all.  After all, he had to contend witht the likes of this absolute beast of a fighter:

And while it's known that LeBell really enjoys embellishing his stories, you have to see how fucking long he holds his chokes to truly appreciate what a mean motherfucker Gene is.  I mean, these demo chokes are so brutal you wonder what he'd do in an actual fight- would he pop the guy's head off and put it on his mantle?  I would say that is highly likely.

Never have I ever seen a person get choked so tightly that he couldn't even lift his arm to tap... but it's not like Gene gave a hairy rat's ass, anyway.

The man who might be considered one of the baddest man to throw ever throw fists with giant, jacked, hairy lumberjack-looking motherfuckers who rode the bull they rode into the ring on was born in 1932 in Los Angeles, of all places.  After he presumably choked his mom half to death with his own umbilical cord, he waited a few years and began training under one of the most feared men in catch wrestling, Ed "The Strangler" Lewis.  Either his parents dripped with testosterone like a 1980's era Randy Savage, or they were the most irresponsible parents ever, because 1) the man is called "The Strangler", and 2) the style being taught to a 7 year old was one in which " grappling, strangling, limb twisting, head butting, punching, kicking, biting and even eye gouging were legal" (Potenza).

Robinson is the one about to unload the world's craziest haymaker on mega-badass Jake Lamotta's face.

After four years of eye gouging and strangling, the dude decided to learn boxing from boxing legend "Sugar" Ray Robinson and a few years later trained in styles that were virtually unknown in the US at the time- shit like kenpo, Taekwondo, and Shotokan.  After mastering that insane list of styles, Gene went back to his crazy brutal strangling groups and moved to Japan to learn Judo and Jiu Jutstu, the sports in which he's a living legend.  By the time he was 59, this master of the choke had earned the rank of 9th Dan in jujitsu and taihojutsu (which is basically a style designed by the Japanese feudal police to kill armed criminals). Finally, at 73 the man in in the pink gi was promoted to the sport that made him famous: 9th Dan in Traditional Judo (Gene LeBell).  

Going fucking HAM.

You'd think the man basically did nothing but train martial arts all day, but you'd be wrong: he was a Hollywood stuntman with 246 stunt credits to his name, 130 small acting roles, and 9 goddamned books.  The dude must never sleep, because that list exhausted me to read.  Oh, did I also mention he fought in what is erroneously referred to as America's first MMA fight (rough and tumble predated it by century)?  According to Gene, "It was the first televised MMA match. It was billed as pitting a judo, karate and wrestling guy against the No. 5 light-heavyweight boxer. I was known mostly for judo because I’d won the Nationals a few times, but I’d also done boxing, wrestling, karate, taekwondo and kenpo, mixing them together before it was popular."  Prior to the fight, Gene threatened to take his opponent Milo Savage's eye out during the fight, and it just escalated from there.  Gene's hands got nerfed when he was told he couldn't punch (presumably because he'd have committed a murder in the ring, and then Savage entered the ring covered in Vaseline (Fightland).  Not that it mattered- when he won the fight in the fourth round by choke, "the ref, who was also the doctor, didn’t know how to resuscitate him with katsu. After he’d been out for 20 minutes, my coach went in and revived the guy. The next morning, the newspaper headlines said, 'The Savage Was Tamed'" (Young).

By the way, did I mention he wrled a bear?  Must've slipped my mind because it's so commonplace.

By now, you have to be wondering how he trained, and you will not be disappointed.  LeBell was basically like a proto Steve Justa, only without the terrible singing, overall look of a hobo, fat gut, and sleeveless flannel shirts.  For fight training and conditioning, LeBell likes six hour workouts of a combination of striking, grappling, and general cardio work... which is fucking insane on a scale I can hardly conceive (Salzano).  As for weight lifting, Gene thought it was fucking boring, which makes sense given his ridiculously diverse resume.  Instead, Gene would do something called the "Tire Toss", an exercise that made him so strong that he was often disqualified from judo tournaments by pussies who thought he was using too much strength.  Awwwwwww... isn't it adorable when pussies get into positions of power and fuck over their betters?  Described as being like the Incredible Hulk, Gene's method for building strength went like this- he'd snatch a motherfucking motorcycle tire, then throw it as far as he could.  He'd do that for the length of a football field, celebrate by throwing the tire over the goal post, and then turn around and head back the way he came in the same manner (Founding Member).  SHEER BRUTALITY.  

You have got to love a guy who writes an autobiography called "The Toughest Man Alive."

Because nothing I could possibly say about this man beats this story, I'll leave you with this little bit of awesome.  The back ground to this story is that there was an inexperienced female ref working a fight between Gene's protege, Ronda Rousey, and an inexperienced fighter who'd only been training for six months.
"So Ronda get’s the gal down and upside down, gets an armbar. And you can see on the film where the gal was tapping, giving up, tapping out, and the referee was just standing there and looking. And I’m screaming “roll her over and break her arm!” and of course she does what Uncle Gene tells her to do, and that was that. It made it look a little bit better, but you don’t want to hurt a kind person if you don’t have to…….unless it makes you feel good" (Judo Gene).


Fightland Staff.  Roots of Fight brings us the story of "Judo" Gene LeBell-- MMA pioneer and terrifying old man.  Vice.  3 Dec 2013.  Web.  13 Dec 2015.

Gene LeBell.  Wikipedia.  Web.  12 Aug 2015.

Gene LeBell, Founding Member of Black Belt.  American Martial Arts Movement.  Web.  13 Aug 2015.

Judo Gene LeBell talks Kimura, Rousey, Elvis, Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee.  Wrestling Observer.  23 Dec 2014.  Web.  13 Aug 2015.

Mancini, Vince.  A famous story about Steven Seagal peeing himself.  Uproxx.  pr 2011.  Web.  12 Aug 2015.  Gene LeBell talks Steven Seagal s----ing himself.  Mixed Martial  Web.  12 Aug 2015.

Potenza, John.  The Original No Holds Barred Fighting.  Snke Pit USA.  2012.  Web.  12 Aug 2015.

28 July 2015

You Don't Have to Train in a Gym to Be a Jacked Badass- Bodyweight Training of the Experts

In the dark, misty depths of history, when men were violent, bloodthirsty killing machines and women were slightly less prone to fomenting a bloodbath, access to gyms was essentially limited to Sparta, Greece and India.  While neither of those nations are known for producing hulking mounds of sinewy muscle in the modern era, they were the only two places in the ancient world that boasted gyms.  The Spartan version, called the agoge, was likely so nightmarish that one would prefer to have sex with a broken-glass-filled-vagina'd Rosie O'Donnell.  Beginning at the age of seven, Spartan boys were underfed, underclothed, overworked, beaten, and taught to be fucking hard.  They were regularly forced to fight to death in an über, super fucking brutal version of MMA called pankration, in which fish hooking and eye gouging were encouraged.  Though they were gyms, they had no weights to lift- instead the students of the agoge regularly lifted and carried stones and logs for distance as if they were in the modern World's Strongest Man.

The Spartans also did a lot of group-oriented calisthenics which, interestingly, led Xerxes to think that they were weaker than a twink with AIDS.  After sending spies to watch the Spartans train, Xerxes discovered that the Spartans exercised in unison with rhythmic movements, which the Persians misinterpreted (hilariously) as dancing.  Thus, they thought they could just roll the apparently light-of-heel Spartans up, and then unknowingly walked right into the teeth of a well-oiled, incredibly strong war machine (Kagkelidou).

 Frankly, this is the closest thing to Greek Calisthenics you'll see unless you go to a Greek Calisthenics revivalist school, find a Crossfitter obsessed to death with calisthenics, or build a fucking time machine and haul your happy ass back to the 2nd Century BC.

The Greek gymnasium was basically Curves for Women in comparison to the more-brutal-than-the-end-of-A-Serbian-Film agoge.  In a gymnasium, Athenian men over 18 received all manner of physical instruction, the basis of which were calisthenics. For those of you (like myself) who are slobbering history and archeology nerds, the word calisthenics is actually ancient Greek and derives from the word kallos, which means beauty and strength.   The system of calisthenics was essentially a system of bodyweight exercises that combined the goals of hypertrophy, balance, strength, and endurance (with a healthy dose of philosophy thrown in on top, because the Greeks were awesome like that).  Thus, it wasn't so much a sport as it was a training system in a cool-ass community center designed to make people awesome.
Somebody had to have modeled for this, so I'd say calisthenics are pretty fucking effective.

Greek calisthenics have been revived and popularized in urban areas, more or less, by teams like Barstarzz or other street performers.  The system as the Greeks originally conceived, consisted of ground work like pushups, ultra wide grip static hold pushups, handstands, handstand pushups, situps, leg raises, lunges combined with a sort of Thai push kick, pistol squats, leaping front kicks, high knees, and the like.  They also did bar and ring work for the upper body, much as you'd see modern gymnasts do- varieties of pullups and muscleups and static holds.  No one died (probably) but given the state of the physiques on Greek statues, they were some ripped motherfuckers.        

It appears you can get a jacked-ass upper body with nothing more than a set of monkeybars on a public playground.  

Modern street calisthenics, as it's known, mostly consists of work on pullup bars, dip bars, and jungle gyms.  It seems to build some incredible upper body hypertrophy and strength, as well as seriously ripped physiques.  Beyond that, it seems to have become a bit of a performance art, so like the calisthenics of the Spartans, it could almost be construed as dance at times.  In reality, however, it's simply a rhythmic demonstration of incredible strength and muscular control, which is after all, pretty fucking cool.  There seems to be no real set program for street calisthenics- the goal is to just get strong and work on body control.  Thus, a heavy dose of dips, pullups, planks, and squats are encouraged at the start.  Then, you basically just play- try shit and see if you can do it.  Then, get stronger and try again.  For those of you looking for linear periodization, you won't find it here... because linear periodization sucks, and we're not fucking robots.

Pretty serious hypertrophy.  These guys are Lee, Ranjit, and Sai of Recession Proof Body (a cool fucking moniker).

Clearly, none of the above is mind-melting or ground breaking, but people rarely think of it in terms of strength building.  I can personally attest, however, to the fact that I am far stronger when I include a couple of 20 minute sessions of bodyweight work every week.  In fact, when I was in college, a buddy and I used to "play cards" a couple of times a week, and that kept us ripped in spite of the fact we were facing a couple of Blizzards from Dairy Queen every day like we were college girls sticking their faces under the frozen yogurt machine every day in the caf.  You know- chasing the freshman 15 (which I guess due to inflation seems to have become the freshman 25, because I'm seeing a lot of livestock wearing college sorority t-shirts lately).  When we played cards we'd watch either Rocky 3 or Rocky 4 and place a deck of cards between us.  We'd take turns drawing cards, and would do either pushups (black) or abs (red).  Black diamonds were diamond pushups, and red diamonds were double the situps.  We'd go through the deck a couple of times, and kept me as ripped as a phone book at a strongman competition and ready as an evangelical Christian dude on his wedding night. In other words, "playing cards" was awesome addition to my 5-6 days a week of training.  These days, I simply do dips and pullups, which I find to be more useful.  If I can find a tall stack of mats, I might do high jumps in between supersets of pullups and dips, or maybe ab wheel.

As this random Russian shows us, it's all about the muthafuckin' pullups. 

The third group I mentioned at the outset were the Indians, who actually predated the Greeks and Spartans in terms of having a codified system of exercise. There are extensive historical texts from early antiquity regarding exercise, wrestling, and the sport that was eventually bastardized by hippies in the 1970s called "yoga".  Physical fitness was prized among the Indians, and every village had a gym in which villagers trained and wrestled.  The calisthenics regime followed by the Indians is what led to them being the most dominant wrestlers in the world for centuries, and it's more brutal than an Al Qaeda execution video.

 Body built entirely by milk, veggies, almonds, chickpeas, and clarified butter, plus bodyweight exercises. 

The program Indian wrestlers use arose out of this millennia-old system of training do over 2000 dands (dive bomber pushups) a day, and can do 1500 of them an hour, and the upper body specialists in India do over 5000 a day.  Additionally, they do two to three thousand bethaks (free squats standing on their toes) a day, and the fewest a wrestler will do in a day is 500.  On top of that, they do tons of somersaults to build flexibility and core strength, wrestler's bridges for their necks, and headstands.  Though they're now considered weightlifting implements, another feature of their training that could be replicated without spending a single dime was club swinging, which could be replicated simply by swinging a heavy tree branch or log.  Again, they had no program for training- they'd just bust their asses harder than a slave coal miner in Scotland on the same exercises every day because they wanted to be better than the next man.

Across the Pacific Ocean, thousands of blood-crazed, heavily tattooed, hulking monsters of men, screaming hakas and wielding weapons made of bone, wood, and sharks teeth built their massive bodies not with calisthenics, but with the manliest of leisure pursuits- stone lifting, tug-of-war, wrestling, and boxing.  The Hawaiians were, at the time of their discovery, considered to be some of the most physically striking people in the world.  It's not hard to imagine Captain James Cook fawning all over the Hawaiians like a preteen over the Jonas Brothers because he basically landed on an island filled with clones of The Rock.  Additionally, their strength was considered unparalleled in the Western world, even at a time when weightlifting and strongman were physically one of the most, striking native races in the world (Aipa).

Just as in India and Greece, physical excellence was prized above all in Hawaiian culture for men.  The most famous king in the history of Hawaii, Kamehameha, was as famous for his strength as he was for his military prowess.  As the 14 year old gripped a stone no other man on the island could flip, the 2.5 ton “Pöhaku Naha,” he screamed:
“Naha Stone art thou:
And by Naha Prince only may thy, sacredness be broken.
Now behold, I am Kamehameha, a Niau-pio
A spreading mist of the forest.”
Badass that he was, he strained so fucking hard that blood shot out of his eyes like he was a superheavy squatting in the WPO, and with blood dripping from his fingers, he flipped that motherfucker to the amazement of everyone in attendance (Aipa, Monster). 

It's pretty awesome that the greatest king in Hawaiian history was as famous for his strength as he was for his conquests, but it's unsurprising- pretty much every leisure activity the Hawaiians participated in showcased physical dexterity or sheer muscle power.  Basically, the Hawaii of yore was like an island filled with hot, strong women and ultra-tan Hafthór Júlíus Björnssons.  Boxing, wrestling, stone lifting, and tug-of-war were all that were needed- no gym required (Games).

Then jumping to the mainland were the native peoples of the Americas.  Obviously, they were a very diverse group of people, but from North America to South America there was a culture of exercise.  Unfortunately, there isn't much written about any of their specific exercises, but there are anecdotes.  Both the Apache and Iroquois were known for their extreme endurance and toughness.  They were rugged and incredibly strong, according to explorers like Oglethrope expedition member Edward Kimber.  He commented on the appearance of the Seminoles, stating, “As to their figure, ‘tis generally of the largest size, well proportion’d, and robust, as you can imagine Persons nurs’d up in manly Exercises can be" (AIHDP).  Likewise, South Americans were equally strong and tough, and participated in crazy ass strength and conditioning sports that were so tough they'd kill Rich Froning- shit like the favorite pastime of the Ge Indians of South America- log relays, where participants would carry short logs weighting as much as 200 lbs over courses as long as several hundred yards (Crego 189).  As I said, there is only anecdotal evidence of how they trained, but I found a video of a Native American warmup that shows that the Native American warmup is extremely similar to the manner in which the Ancient Greeks trained.

Not a bodybuilder, but the 54 year old world record holder in the pullup.  

In summary, if you think bodyweight exercise is bullshit, you're wrong.  Enough hard training in bodyweight work should, if done right, turn you into a bona-fide badass.  And for those of you who think you can't build big, stong legs with bodyweight work, consider this- Indian strongman Monohar Aich had a 660 squat at 159lbs mostly from doing thousands upon thousands of free squats in prison.  Most pehlwani have tree trunk legs despite eating a meatless diet, all from free squats, and if you look at Grecian statues, all of the models for those statues had good to great legs, without weighted squats.  Thus, you might want to add in some bodyweight work if you want to achieve your potential, because it certainly won't hurt, and it will almost definitely help.

Now, go do some fucking pullups.  Then do some more.

AIHDP.  History of Indigenous Activity.  American Indian Health and Diet Project.  Web.  28 Jul 2015.

Aipa, Daniel. Is Weightlifting a Hawaiian Practice?  The Ku Project.  16 Mar 2015.  Web.  27 Jul 2015.

Crego, Robert.  Sports and Games of the 18th and 19th Centuries.  Westport: Greenwood Press, 2003.

Games of physical strength.  Hawaii History.  Web.  27 Jul 2017.

Kagkelidou, Evangelia.  Calisthenics, the Yoga of Greeks.  Greek Reporter.  9 Oct 2013.  Web.  27 Jul 2015.

Monster, Higa.  Lifting Stones.  AnimalPak.  Web.  27 Jul 2017.

07 July 2015

Paleotards Are Doing It Wrong, Part Deux

For those of you who read the foregoing entry, you'll note I generally side with Ray Audette on the subject of paleo dieting.  Unlike his contemporaries, he seems to understand the necessity of fat, the fact that modern fruits in no way resemble ancient fruits, and the fact that hominids of the past were largely carnivorous in nature (Stanford).

That's not to say, however, that I am some kind of mark for Ray Audette.  He might have done some homework, but he didn't do all of it.  That's unsurprising, because he's neither a historian nor an archaeologist nor a nutritionist- in fact, he is a former computer salesman.  And while his motto for dieting boils down to "A natural diet is what is edible when you are naked with a sharp stick.... When you have no technology" (Sherman).  For some reason, many paleo advocates have taken paleo authors' recommendations against salt to indicate that seasonings are bad.  Bodybuilders, for some reason, seem to share the concept that seasoning their food will somehow make them fat.  This is, of course, retarded.

I didn't even know garlic mustard was a plant.

Archaeologists have found that, instead of what was previously believed (in spite of common sense), ancient man spiced the everloving shit out of their food.  Garlic mustard has been found in ancient cooking utensils (Saul).  The paleo community, then, is basically like the Christian community- they take what they like from the texts and discard the rest, and their "gurus" are no different.
"Even if eating only foods available to hunter–gatherers in the Paleolithic made sense, it would be impossible. As Christina Warinner of the University of Zurich emphasizes in her 2012 TED talk, just about every single species commonly consumed today—whether a fruit, vegetable or animal—is drastically different from its Paleolithic predecessor. In most cases, we have transformed the species we eat through artificial selection: we have bred cows, chickens and goats to provide as much meat, milk and eggs as possible and have sown seeds only from plants with the most desirable traits—with the biggest fruits, plumpest kernels, sweetest flesh and fewest natural toxins. Cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts and kale are all different cultivars of a single species, Brassica oleracea; generation by generation, we reshaped this one plant's leaves, stems and flowers into wildly different arrangements, the same way we bred Welsh corgis, pugs, dachshunds, Saint Bernards and greyhounds out of a single wolf species. Corn was once a straggly grass known as teosinte and tomatoes were once much smaller berries. And the wild ancestors of bananas were rife with seeds" (Jabr).
A Himalayan salt lick.

And as for salt, which Audette rails against in a manner so prolific it rivals the Westboro Baptist Church's hatred of the homosexuals, it's not only necessary, but critical.
"Certain isolated groups in areas such as Brazil, Papua New Guinea, and rural African communities have been found to live on sodium intakes of as little as 1150 mg per day. However, despite finding generally low blood pressure in these remote communities, the little evidence that exists on these low salt societies suggests shorter life expectancy and higher mortality rates" (Kresser).
Paleo authors will often rail against sodium intake, suggesting that paleolithic man consumed less sodium than is recommended by the government to maintain optimal health.  Apparently, however, they lack access to Wikipedia.  Wild animals, of whom our ancestors were a part, utilize natural "salt licks" to maintain healthy bone and muscle growth.  These mineral licks are so important to wildlife that they're illegally used to bait animals for hunting, and even the Vikings mentioned them prominently in their mythology.  According to Norse mythology,
"In Norse mythology, before the creation of the world, it was the divine cow Audhumla who, through her licking of the cosmic salt ice, gave form to Buri, ancestor of the gods and grandfather of Odin. On the first day as Audhumla licked, Buri's hair appeared from the ice, on the second day his head and on the third his body" (Wikipedia)
A bro this jacked could not have been a stranger to a salt lick.

In other words, no matter what the paleo authors might say, they're fucking morons- salt is important in your diet.  Nevermind seasonings, which have been used since time immemorial- you need to salt your food.  The issue with salt isn't too much salt- it's an imbalance in your salt and potassium intake.  Prehistoric man ate a hell of a lot more potassium than we did, which kept their electrolytes balanced and kept them hydrated.

Ancient India seems so much cooler than modern India it's hard to compare the two.

Likewise goes for intoxicants.  With the exception of Robb Wolf, paleo authors treat intoxicants as if they were child porn- partake and you should be thrown under Gitmo and raped by a thousand super-hung bulls.  Ancient man and even primates, however, have always loved to get fucked up.  Take alcohol, for instance- primates have been getting fucked in half on alcohol for ten million years.  It's literally hardwired into our brains to drink for the last 10 million years- exactly the amount of time it took for tree dwelling primates, who cannot metabolize alcohol, to split off from apes, who can (Zolfagharifard).
"'Ancestral reconstructions of ADH4 demonstrate the ancestor of humans, chimpanzees and gorillas possessed a novel enzyme with dramatically increased activity toward ethanol and we suspect this novel metabolic capacity was adaptive to this hominin ancestor,' said Professor Carrigan.
'This transition implies the genomes of modern human, chimpanzee and gorilla began adapting at least 10 million years ago to dietary ethanol present in fermenting fruit.
'This conclusion contrasts with the relatively short amount of time - about 9,000 years - since fermentative technology enabled humans to consume beverages devoid of food bulk with higher ethanol content than fruit fermenting in the wild.'
He said the history has implications not only for understanding the forces that shaped early human terrestrial adaptations but also for many modern human diseases caused by alcohol today" (Ibid).
So, as you can see, the conception that alcohol is forbidden on the paleo diet is nonsense, as Robb Wolf affirms in his seminal text.   Similarly, other intoxicants are forbidden by paleo authors, though evidence overwhelmingly shows that paleolithic man consumed intoxicants.  Consider, first, that both the ancient Indians and the Neanderthals consumed ephedra (Loporto, Block).  Coffee beans were combined with animal fat to create a protein rich snack (Avey), and coca leaves have been in documented use for over 4000 years.  In short, it's not unpaleo to get fucked up... and in fact it might not be paleo to be 100% sober.

Paleo Diet misinformation- what caveman would have avoided eating boar?  Ridiculous and deceitful.  Chicanerous and deplorable.

Going back to the diets themselves, though, you’ll note that (with the exception of Perfect Health Diet) none of these diets prescribe specific goals for macros, calorie intake, or anything beyond “don’t just eat the same damn thing every day.”  So the point of paleo dieting is not to of it as “Should I do the Paleo Diet?”, but rather to ask yourself “How can I meet my dietary goals, whatever they are, using Paleo or mostly-Paleo foods?”  Assuming that, if you’re reading Chaos and Pain, you have some idea of how much you need to eat and what macros you’re aiming for, and that you’re probably not obese, Type II diabetic, or otherwise physically dysfunctional, you’re probably looking to bulk up, cut down, boost your T and GH levels, reduce recovery time, or otherwise improve your Wilks.  Given that, it would behoove us to discuss the effective differences between the various versions of paleo as they apply to mostly healthy people.

If this is you, throw yourself down a goddamned well.

Bear in mind, the benefits of the stricter versions of Paleo are often subtle and incremental if you’re mostly healthy -- though it's recommended that you do a month of Strict or Traditional Paleo to see what nagging annoyances might clear up.  Some examples of what you could eliminate would be: recurring fungal infections, falling asleep after lunch, acne, gas and bloating, GERD (aka acid reflux), gout.  Frankly, I've never had any of these, but I'm more or less Wolverine when it comes to my immune system.  Aside from allergies, I heal insanely quickly, get sick only ever couple years, and really only suffer from allergies as a general rule.  From what I see online though, paleo is the last dietary bastion of the glutard/hypochondriac crew, who thing they're "sensitive" to everything from wheat proteins to tapioca and pretty much every dumbass thing in between.  As preposterous as that is, there is something to be said for the placebo effect, as I've written about before, so I suppose it's worth trying even for those halfwits.

Body most definitively not built by paleo.

Another thing to bear in mind is that some or most of you will find it more difficult, or even impossible, to bulk on Strict or Traditional paleo because the foods are far more nutritious and less calorie-dense than bulking staples like protein/milk shakes.  It’s tough to get to 2g/kg of protein when you have to do it by actually eating meat and eggs.  Furthermore, you’re not going to be “carb backloading”, consuming “super starch”, or any other plan involving pathological candy consumption or powders sold in a tub.  In spite of that fact, turn of the century strongmen were able to get huge and strong eating more or less paleo, so you can too- it's just going to require a hell of a lot of stuffing your face.  I can personally attest to having attempted a modified paleo diet that included a tortilla day post workout, and the rest of which was Granny Smith apples, almonds, chicken breast, chicken thigh, and broccoli and cauliflower.  In 10 months, my lifts all increased considerably, but my bodyweight dropped about ten pounds as I got much leaner and stronger.

If it can make dudes who eschew meat and weights and live off of chickpeas and pushups look better than most of the bros at your gym, there's likely something to Ayurvedic medicine.

As for nutritional supplements, they're really not paleo.  As I stated, paleolithic man used herbs for performance enhancement, and all of Ayurvedic medicine is based on the use of herbs for health improvements and performance enhancement, but they were hardly slamming protein shakes and preworkouts on the regular.  It might be worth experimenting with ditching them for your month of clean paleo, however, because you could then determine upon adding them back in exactly what works and what doesn't.

Cro-Magnon man was almost entirely carnivorous... likely so he could beat the shit out of Neanderthals and bang their wives.

If that a bit confusing and daunting, you're not alone.  In my research I was honestly perplexed by the disparity in diet recommendations by paleo authors, just as I was with the authors who wrote about the Ph of various diets- literally no two agreed on anything.  As such, I enjoin you to read up on this stuff and do a bit of your own research- check out ScienceDaily, for one, and do an occasional search on the diets of Cro-Magnons and Neanderthals- it will do you a world of good.

Up next, we've got an article headed your way on picking the type of paleo to best suit your lifestyle (even though none of them are really "paleo"), the use of protein, and a couple other topics.  Till then, keep it beastly!

Avey, Tori.  The Caffeinated History of Coffee.  PBS.  8 Apr 2013.  Web.  7 Jul 2015.

Block, Jill.  Ma huang, an ancient Chinese stimulant.  UCLA.  Winter 1998.  Web.  7 Jul 2015.

Jabr, Ferris.  How to Really Eat Like a Hunter-Gatherer: Why the Paleo Diet Is Half-Baked.  Scientific American.  3 Jun 2013.  Web.  & Jul 2015.

Kresser, Chris.  Shaking up the Salt Myth: The Human Need for Salt.  13 Apr 2012.  Web.  7 Jul 2015.

LoPorto, Garret.  Surprising Way Your Neanderthal Genes May Affect You.  HuffPost.  10 May 2010.

Saul H, Madella M, Fischer A, Glykou A, Hartz S, Craig OE.  Phytoliths in Pottery Reveal the Use of Spice in European Prehistoric Cuisine. PLoS ONE, 2013.  8(8): e70583

Sherman, Rebecca.  Neander-Guy.  Dallas Observer.  6 Jul 1995.  Web.  7 Jul 2015.

Stanford CB, Bunn HT. Meat eating and hominid evolution
Current Anthropology,  1990. 40(5):726-728

Zolfagharifard, Ellie.  We've been drinking alcohol for TEN MILLION years: Gene mutation reveals our primate ancestors enjoyed fermented fruit.  1 Dec 2014.  Web.  7 Jul 2015.

01 July 2015

Hey Paleotards- You're Doing It Wrong, Fuckfaces.

One of the most frustrating things about the internet is that while it provides a bounty of information, there's nearly as much conflicting information or misinformation as there is useful information, and for the average person it's incredibly difficult to differentiate between the wheat and the chaff.  It's almost as if a blind man got dropped off on an island populated by 50% gorgeous women and another 50% trolls in corsets, Spanx, and sexy clothing- it's gonna be hard as shit for him to determine which broad would get him high fives from his bros and which would get him mocked on Facebook for the rest of his life.  Tragically, I think the worst subjects in this regard are training and diet, both of which are written about extensively, but at least half of the missives penned seem to be the produce of minds rocked by people with IQs below room temperature.

Paleolithic dieting is perhaps the worst of sub-subjects to diet, because even outside of the internet there appears to be no consensus among authors about what, exactly, paleo dieting is.  In fact, the debate about what actually constitutes paleo is frankly more mind boggling than the fact that anyone finds Jack Black to be amusing.  To date, I've read the following paleo books:
I'll hardly assert that having read the above makes me some sort of an expert on the subject of paleolithic dieting, but I've done a tremendous amount of research into the actual archaeology and into the evolution of fruits and vegetables, which puts me heads and shoulders above all but perhaps three of the above listed authors.  Before we delve into the actual archaeology, however, I felt it necessary to employ some aid from renowned internet paleo author J. Stanton, author of Gnoll Credo, to help me flesh out the divisions in the paleo community.  You know, so I can eviscerate half of the internet for being the dumb fucks they are thereafter.  As such, the following portion was cowritten by both Stanton and myself.

The Main Paleo Categories

Strict Paleo

“I determined, therefore, to eat only those foods that would be available to me if I were naked of all technology save that of a convenient sharp stick or stone.” (Ray Audette, Neanderthin) As mentioned above, this is for all intents and purposes the paleolithic dieting bible for anyone actually concerned with dieting in the manner of our ancestors.  In practice his statement means meat, fat, organs, and any other unprocessed animal product from animals fed and finished on grass (or forage, in the case of non-grass-eaters like chickens); fish and shellfish; eggs; tree nuts; vegetables; roots; berries; mushrooms. Cooking is permitted, but dairy products, legumes, grains, potatoes, sugar, added salt, and processed foods of any kind are not.  For reasons that will be covered later in the article, fruit is allowed but limited.  Raw honey is allowed but very strictly limited to small amounts.

My two cats, Clean and Sober, just think I'm TOPS!

Traditional Paleo 

This trend is currently exemplified by Robb Wolf’s The Paleo Solution and the Hartwigs’ It Starts With Food / Whole 30.  Building upon strict paleo, it brings the additions of delicious, delicious salt, and other spices (except soy sauce and other grain-derived sauces), sweet potatoes (but not white potatoes), cooking oils made from animals or fruits (tallow, coconut, palm, olive).  Clarified butter gets a hall pass, as do limited amounts of coffee, tea, mate, etc.  Red meat is encouraged over white, eating the entire animal (offal and all) is encouraged, and there is a bit of fat-phobia in Wolf’s book, though he's backed away from that position somewhat over time.  This diet is also more tolerant of processed food, but it doesn't allow for “Paleo” junk food nonsense like "paleo cookies" and "paleo pizza", even if it is made with coconut flour, arrowroot, or other technically "legal" ingredients, no matter how much people who "have been on paleo for 4 days and just feel TOPS" might whine.

This pic pretty much sums up the word primal, even if the diet doesn't.


Primal is Mark Sisson’s brainchild, and is explained in his book Primal Blueprint.  Primal includes all of the Traditional paleo foods with the inexplicable additions of white potatoes (an explanation on why white potatoes aren't paleo is forthcoming.  Just keep yer britches on.), dairy if you tolerate it well, and gluten-free soy sauce is OK.  Though he's apparently a glutard, his diet is fat-tolerant, as his general recommendation for carbs is around 150g/day depending on one's goals.  Completely counter to Audette, for whom cheating on a diet is tantamount to (and possibly worse than) cheating on one's spouse, primal is more tolerant of occasional cheating (the famous “80/20 rule”).  It's essentially paleo-lite for housewives.  In spite of that, Sisson was the first paleo source to cover issues like sleep and exercise in addition to diet, which makes his approach not entirely crap.

Captain Potato there in the middle is 3 years old and weighs 154 lbs.  One potato, two potato, three potato, CHOMP.

Perfect Health Diet

The PHD is essentially Primal with the addition of white rice and a few other tropical “safe starches” (e.g. cassava, sago, taro, tapioca).  This diet recommends a starting point of appx. 15-20% protein, 50-60% fat, and 20-30% carbs, with modifications to suit various specific goals like hypertrophy or weight loss.  It's focused on nutrients like a fat kid with Prader-Willi syndrome on an ice cream cone, with specific recommendations for quantities of organ meats, bone broths, fatty fish and shellfish, etc.  It's more in line with Audette, even if the food choices aren't, because the PHD is less tolerant of outright cheating but more tolerant to occasional low-fructose sweeteners like dextrose and rice syrup.

Specialized and obsolete versions of “Paleo”

Being something of a fad diet, certain versions of paleo have gone the way of reel to reel, the Dreamcast, the RCA video record player, and the Shake Weight.  Before anyone gets their panties in a twist, stop and consider the fact that paleo is, for all intents and purposes, a fad diet.  It arose out of a series of articles in mainstream journals about "Ancestral Diets" in the 1980s, turned into "Evolutionary Medicine," and then became a diet with something of a cult following in health food stores.  Later, CrossFit boxes abandoned the archaic Zone diet and pushed paleo's popularity further, but since everyone has the attention span of either Lindsey Lohan or a gnat (they're basically the same thing), paleo was dropped like a fat girl in swing class when everyone decided that gluten was the enemy and moved on to glutardation.  I'm certainly not suggesting that the paleo diet isn't useful, but rather that, like any other diet, its popularity will wax and wane with media coverage and, sadly, internet message board discussions.

Autoimmune Paleo 

Autoimmune paleo was essentially traditional paleo minus all of the nightshade vegetables such as tomatoes, all peppers, both sweet and hot, eggplant, white potatoes, and the few common allergens remaining in a paleo diet, like eggs, nuts, and shellfish.  This diet was typically only used by people with autoimmune disorders like rheumatoid arthritis, and although it was generally very helpful for them, it fell out of fashion faster than two polo shirts worn at once with popped collars.

Cordain’s original Paleo Diet

This is perhaps one of the saddest books ever produced, because Cordain created a trend that flew in the face of his own research harder than that bird that smashed Fabio's nose.  It's likely that Cordain wishes he could gather up all of those books and burn them, because what he essentially did was try to combine the low fat-faddism of the 1990s with paleolithic eating, which essentially created a horrifying chimera of diets that resembled the monster at the end of The Thing.  In spite of the fact that Cordain suggested in "Implications of Plio-Pleistocene Hominin Diets for Modern Humans" that hunter gatherers' diets (which he believe mirror paleolithic diets in many ways) contained between 19% and 35% fat, the original Paleo Diet includes bizarre admonitions like “cut all the fat off your meat and then fry it in flaxseed or canola oil.”  Luckily, he managed to get his wits about himself in the last ten years and replaced his original pile of trash with a much more sensible and accurate book,  The Paleo Answer.

Though these diets are all fairly disparate, they have a number of critical features in common:

  • No grains.  That means no bread, no cereal, no crackers, no tortillas or chips.  (Exception: Perfect Health Diet allows white rice in moderation.)  Grains (wheat, corn, rice, barley, oats, rye, and other seeds and grasses) weren't eaten much in the paleolithic because they require milling and long cooking to be made edible.  Raw grain plus water essentially equals paper mache, and there's not a primate on Earth that can eat paper mache without shitting their proverbial pants.
  • No grain products.  This means no “vegetable oils” like corn, soy, sunflower, grapeseed, and canola, no corn syrup or Frankengredients like TVP (textured vegetable protein).  That pretty much puts 75% of the supermarket off limit if you're any kind of paleo.
  • No peanuts or peanut butter.  They’re a legume, not a nut.  Plus they’re only 18% poor-quality protein (PDCAAS = 0.5) with boatloads of inflammatory linoleic acid (“omega-6 fat”).  Peanuts, like corn, also contain a fungi called aflatoxins which is one of the most carcinogenic toxic substances known.  There's no treatment for aflatoxin infection, either- once you have it, you have it.  Cooking can kill aflatoxins, but it's not 100% effective- for some reason ancient man knew this, but flight attendants don't.
  • No sugar except what naturally occurs in fruit, and limited amounts of honey.  Obviously, ancient man had little access to sugar cane, and they certainly weren't going to tangle with a bunch of bees for honey on a regular basis.  Thus, sugar and honey are pretty much out, which basically eliminates all junk food from one's diet when combined with the grains.

In short, no matter what kind of paleo you're doing, you're essentially limited to the meat counter, the produce section, the spice rack, and maybe a stop in dairy.  As J Stanton puts it “Eat anything you could pick, dig, or spear.  Mostly spear.”  He's got an article to that effect called “Eat Like A Predator, Not Like Prey.”  One caveat to the "dig" portion of Stanton's quote I'd like to point out, and one to which I alluded earlier, is regarding modern tubers and fruits.  Agriculture does funny things to food, and fruits and tubers are perhaps some of the best- they in no way resemble their ancestors.  Tubers, for instance, were basically oblong pieces of bark with a tiny bit of meat in the middle.  According to Loren Cordain (the academic, not the shitpile author of pandering diet books), most of tuber eating was chewing on and digesting insoluble fiber- paleolithic man got over 100g of fiber daily from gnawing on tubers .

Apparently, there is a trend among hippie to engage in "aboriginal birch bark biting."  I just don't even know what the fuck is going on in the world anymore.

Because eating tubers was so time intensive (and likely led to more TMJ than a 12 hour stint at a glory hole), tubers were likely the initial objectives of cooking (Ungar 36).  Tuber consumption increased concomitantly with meat consumption and was likely the fallback food for primitive man, no doubt because that fiber filled up empty bellies (Ungar 203).  That, however, is a far cry from the sugary-sweet sweet potatoes with Saran Wrap-thin skin upon which you'll see your typical paleo advocate munching.

They might look like funny-colored cherries, but those are actually what apples looked like in the paleolithic.

Similarly, white potatoes in no way resemble their ancient ancestors.  The wild potato, which still grows in Peru (where it was originally domesticated 7000-10000 years ago), is more bitter than a fat girl on prom night, more gnarled than your great grandma's arthritic hands, and thicker skin than what's likely on your palms.  Apples in the paleolithic were little larger than cherries and were incredibly tart- in fact, they were far more like the crab apples that litter your driveway every fall than the Granny Smith you see in the grocery store.  If you want to see what an ancient strawberry looks like, look no further than a wild strawberry- they're basically the size of blueberries and about as tart as a lemon.  In short, none of the produce you're eating is paleo, and tubers and fruits are the worst culprits in this regard.

I'll continue this insanely lengthy article soon and hash out more of the reasons why people who eat paleo aren't, in fact, eating like paleolithic man.  Unfortunately, the introduction to the disparate types of paleo dieting took so long it left me with little room for explication of the difference between modern paleolithic eating and the actual diets of paleolithic man.  In any event, there's plenty more to cover, so we're going to school these paleotards like they're sitting in those tiny chairs with the desk attached.  Luckily, their legs are so fucking skinny form all of the cycling and jogging that they can probably fit- let's just hope they've eaten enough calories to hold onto their crayons as they take notes.

One final note- I love the idea of paleolithic dieting.  I just hate the motherfuckers who do it.

29 June 2015

Movies, Music, and Books That Are Devils Rejects Approved

For whatever reason, I've had brutal writer's block on training and diet.  I've got a couple of articles in the works, namely on on Paleo dieting and the third powerbuilding article, but I've hit a wall on both.  Since I've not posted anything in over a month, I figured I'd hit you guys with something, which I suppose is better than nothing at all.  Thus, I give you another installment of the books/movies/music series that might give you guys some entertainment while you wait for me to get my head out of my ass.

Yeah, I realize this is from House of 1000 Corpses, but the gif rules and it's from the same series, so suck it,

For those of you who are unaware, The Devil's Rejects has been one of my favorite movies since it dropped.  From the "I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work" line to Sheri Moon Zombie looking ridiculously hot in ripped up jeans to Bill Mosely's insanely brutal portrayal of a cop driven to the brink of insanity by a foe more evil than he could conceive, The Devil's Rejects has it all.  If you've not seen it, it's basically Natural Born Killers with far more brutality, less weirdness, and a much, much hotter lead actress.  Given my predisposition to liking movies of that ilk, I decided to make a list of films, books, and bands that would be appreciated by people who share my appreciation for that film- in other words, for people who want it filthy, sexual, and violent.  With that, here's a list of movies, books, and albums that have fit that bill in recent months.


Avenged- This is probably one of the coolest movies I've ever seen, and was life-affirming in the same way The Woman was- it pointed out the hypocrisy of "civilized" people and illustrated the nobility of "savages".  Basically a mashup of The Crow and Last House on the Left, it's about a deaf woman who is raped and killed while traveling cross country to live with her fiancée and is then resurrected by an Indian shaman and has to kill everyone before she rots to bits.  It's so brutal maggots actually fly off her as she beats the brakes off of a pack of white trash hell bent on killing Indians for no good reason.  Yeah, it's that awesome.  In the meantime, her fiancée is trying to murder rednecks and while he fails miserably, murders abound.

Rites of Passage- Christian Slater and Stephen Dorff in a movie in which everyone is whacked out of their head on Indian drugs or meth, Christian Slater has a sock puppet friend who talks to him, and titties abound.  Something of a whodoneit, it's a bit of a slasher flick, a bit of a stoner flick, and a bit of a mystery.  Plus, with Christian Slater as a meth-addicted greenhouse keeper hellbent on revenge against a college-girl drunk driver as the side story, you really can't go wrong.  Not the greatest movie in history, but certainly an awesome way to spend a slightly drunken evening watching A minus to B grade horror films.

ABCs of Death 2- If you enjoyed any of the V/H/S movies or if you're a fan of short story books like Steven King's amazing Night Shift and Skeleton Crew, you will love this film.  Comprised of 26 short films, each film is associated with a letter and conveys a different message.  The best of the bunch are certainly D is for Deloused (a truly disturbing stop-motion short film that has inspired me to get a tattoo of the line "You pay for life" somewhere on me this year), X is for Xylophone (starring the awesome Beatrice Dalle from Inside and featuring some awesome gore effects), and then the best part of the entire film, Z is for Zygote, which is perhaps one of the most fucked up things I've seen in the last year.  Even if you watch nothing else in this movie, check out Deloused and Zygote.  You can skip P is for P-P-P-P SCARY!, which is utter dogshit (if not still a bit disturbing), and cartoonist Bill Plympton's utter work of trash, H is for Head Games.  Beyond those two, though, everything else ranges from entertaining to fucking awesome.

Inside- Without question, the most brutal movie I've seen in the last few years.  Inside's plot is essentially this- a woman who is scheduled to give birth on Christmas Day, whose husband died in a horrific car accident, is stalked and attacked repeatedly by a female assailant in her home.  The gore is off the charts and none of it is CGI- it's good, old fashioned gore effects.  I won't give away the ending, but you literally cannot conceive of the brutality of this movie, and the opening credits wherein it's nothing but oozing, pooling blood pretty much sums up the movie.  I honestly cannot recommend this movie enough if you like gore and psychological horror.

Wyrmwood- If there was ever a unique zombie film, this is it.  Not only do the protagonists in the movie have the sense to armor up, which in and of itself makes the movie worth watching, but there are a number of unique twists in this movie that make it worth a watch.  Telepathy, zombie-breath-run vehicles, and armor-clad Kiwis make this movie fucking amazing.

Nasty- Shokka.  I've loved Nasty for years, and they keep getting better.  German beatdown hardcore with a groove.  What more can you ask for?  And if you don't know of Nasty- check out their last album as well- "Love".  The tracks "My Brain Went Terribly Wrong" and "Look at Me, and Fuck You" are amazing.  Shokka picks up where that album left off, and Nasty just keeps getting harder and ... nastier.

Rise of the North Star is an awesome throwback to the mid 90s rapcore scene, with a bunch of weird Japanophile nonsense thrown on top for good measure.  Surprisingly, they're a Parisian band, making them the hardest thing to come out of France since Clovis and the Franks won the battle of Tours.  Even if you don't like rapcore, think of a harder version of E-Town Concrete but more fun.


Monster Hunter Nemesis- Larry Correia  I've mentioned this series on numerous occasions, and with the exception of one installment, it has never failed to entertain.  This one, however, is even harder than the rest.  More blood, more gore, more fighting, and weirder monsters.  Well worth the $8.  Seriously, pick this up.

Muscle, Smoke and Mirrors Part I- Randy Roach  This is the single greatest resource on the history of strength training and bodybuilding I've ever found.  Combined with the Super-Athletes, you literally don't need another book on the subject of physical culture if you want information on any facet of it- from training methods to diet to overall culture, this has it all.  Additionally, it chronicles the feuds within bodybuilding, the feud between bodybuilding and Olympic weightlifting, and the rise of powerlifting.  Expensive, but well worth the price.

Better Nutrition- Bob Hoffman Although it's about as archaic as the Gutenberg printing press it's old enough to have been printed upon, it's an important look into the history of bodybuilding and strength training nutrition.  Written by the godfather of American Olympic weightlifting, this was a pioneering work in nutrition at the time it was written.  Hoffman was the first lifter to really espouse a high protein diet, though he also suggested that lifters should eat soy in large amounts, and he really seemed to be prescient about where bodybuilding and strength training nutrition would go in the future.

So, there you go- a little something to keep you entertained while I figure out how to write again.  If you're curious, the things I'm reading now are The Rise of Superman by Kotler, which is about managing flow to become a better athlete, Machine Man, which is a book on transhumanism that I'm rereading for that series, and the Crossed graphic novel, which is an ultra-violent and sexual comic about an apocalypse in which people contract a disease that puts a crucifix on their face, then makes them feral, hypersexual killing machines.  All three are awesome, if you've interest in things other than what I listed above.